Thursday, September 18, 2008

Indiana Bill and the Quest for Velveeta

Have you ever tried to find Velveeta without the help of a certified supermarket technician? You'd sooner find the Holy Grail than this coveted orange wedge of pasty goodness. And why, you ask, is it so hard to find? Because no one knows exactly what it is. Cheese? But it says "pasteurized cheese product" on the side. Spread? But it says "cheese" on it. Whiz? But it comes in a rectangular box. You can scan every aisle, as Rebecca and I have, and you can ask employees... but every store will have a different story.
Velveeta is like the Sasquatch of Supermarkets, the Nessie of Snack Necessities. This is why I took a picture of it when I found it, lest it should vanish in a flash like the "you-know-what" in Season 4 of LOST (I didn't want to give a spoiler there to anyone still watching Season 3). But if you're in the Acme supermarket off of Springfield Road, Delaware County, you can find this stuff in aisle 4 by the Pasta Roni. Abandon hope all ye who seek elsewhere.... or at least pack a lunch before you begin the journey.
Ah Velveeta... we did find it last week as you can see. We had to find it; it's one of the secret ingredients in Rebecca's Super Dip of Champions, aka the Nectar of the Gods. This dip transforms ordinary chips into masterpieces. Like gamma rays transformed David Banner into the Incredible Hulk, like the suit made Ralph Hinkley the Greatest American Hero, this dip gives tortillas a quantum leap into the highest realms of culinary perfection. I suppose in light of this dip, the endless search for Velveeta becomes somehow worth it. A real adventure. I was going to make a really neat spiritual connection to Finding Velveeta when I started this post, but now I think you get the idea. So... yeah.
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